Disturbing thoughts

Hi all

Does anyone else here have horrible thoughts that accompany their anxiety?

I sometimes have panic attacks because I fear that I am going to harm somebody or myself. I can be walking down the street and I'll convince myself that I'm going to throw myself under a passing car or something. I don't want to, I'm not suicidal and I'm not a lunatic (I hope). I think it revolves around a fear of losing control of my behaviour.

It's something I don't ever talk about because I don't want to freak people out. Can anyone relate?

Chris

Hey Chris

How are you? I made a thread for you a while ago, thinking you'd disappeared, it's good to hear from you.

I know exactly what you mean. When I get really bad with anxiety I start thinking things like, what if I wasn't here, it would be better for everyone else and me. I know what you mean about you wouldn't actually go through with it but doesn't stop you wondering.

Just thought I'd let you know that there are others that think like this, well, i hope it's not just you and me.

Anyway, it's been great to hear from you. How have you been getting on? Did the Linden method ever help you in the end?

Gill x

Hi Gill

I am doing a lot better than when we last spoke (mailed). I am on a drug called escitalopram and it is starting to have a positive effect after about 5 weeks. I regularly go for a walk two or three streets away now - before I started the drugs I wouldn't even leave my room most of the time.

None of the other methods I've tried have made any lasting difference.

How are you getting on?

Chris x

Hey Chris

I'm not doing too bad, still taking my beta blockers, some days they help and other days they don't. I've been a bit better, just take each day as it comes. Because it's nearly Christmas, it's been a bit stressful since the focus is on going out and food but I'm trying.

I didn't order the Linden Method in the end. I was thinking about maybe trying hypnotherapy, dont know if that would be any help or not. I've not been to counselling for ages either so I'm probably not helping myself much.

I'm so glad you are doing so well, you much be so pleased!!! It might only be a few streets but who knows where you'll be in a months time!! Keep going!!

Speak to you soon. Gill xx

Hi Gill

I got a couple of self-hypnosis tracks off the net but I always find that I can't relax while I'm listening to them so they're not really doing any good.

My doctor once mentioned beta-blockers for me but he wouldn't prescribe them because I have a history of childhood asthma.

I've done all my xmas shopping on the internet, it's a life-saver for agoraphobics :)

Chris x

Hi! :)
im truly glad someone feels the same as me.. im currently experiencing severe anxiety and fear that i will hurt my boyfriend.. i love him more than anything in the world and im scrared im gonna loose control and do something horrendous.. i get these awful waves of anxiety which pass, but i feel extremely guilty for even thinking like this... i have been to the doctor who only wants to give me anti depressants, which i dont want to... i just need to realise in my mind that im not gonna hurt anyone, even tho im terrified of losing my mind.. i have suffered from anxiety and panic for about 10-11 years, but i go through different phases.. weather its my breathing, my heart or flying.. and im extremely fed up! :(

Hi Limpan

I first experienced this about three years ago when I was staying over at my (then) girlfriend's house. I just happened to notice that there was a wooden block in the kitchen with loads of knives in. From that point on, I kept thinking "my god, what if I stab somebody" - I had no intention of stabbing anybody or hurting anybody but once the thought was in my head it just kept going round and round and I couldn't sleep all night.

About a year ago I moved back to my parents' house and now I panic because I get fears about hurting them - again, I would never want to, I love my parents to bits.

Like you, I feel guilty for feeling like this and I get really anxious about it.

Chris x

PS. I was like you in that I hated the thought of taking drugs but recently I have been taking an SSRI called escitalopram. It has very few side effects and it does seem to be helping.

Thank you!! :) im so so glad to know that im not alone in this world!! i also have the same fear, dont really like spending too much time in the kitchen etc... and i have just bought a house with my boyfriend, so i think that makes me feel more scared too. like you, of course the very last thing i want to do is hurt anyone! but the fear just seem so real and i get very upset and guilty that these thoughts and fears even enter my mind.. :( i have told him about it, and i have told my doctor and friends as well. i have suffered anxiety for 10 years or more, and this fear i have is just one of many. i used to be afraid of my own breathing, swallowing my tongue, illnesses, going mad, palpitations etc etc, the list is endless.. but in recent years i have started flying which i didnt do for about 6 years because i was afraid of having a panic attack on the plane (rather - my heart would start beating and wouldnt stop....) went on a virgin atlantic flying without fear course, and last year i was on 16 flights in one year!
Thanks again! I might ask my doctor for the same pills!

Hi Limpan

So much of what you say is familiar to me. When I started taking the tablets I felt like I was swallowing a cyanide capsule every time I took one but it's not so bad now.

You can mail me if you every want to chat rabid.badger@ntlworld.com

Best wishes

Chris x

hi im new here, i have been having these intrusive thoughts too, they are terible to go through arent they. mine started when i was pregnant, i used to get thoughts of me harmin my baby some how and of course this absolutely terrified me i still get them now and yes they are v scary u just have to remember altho its hard but its all to do with symptoms of anxiety:(:mad:

so i've joined a few bloggs in my life, but never one for (seemingly) as serious a reason as this. I have experienced every bit of what has been described by other members above. I think amongst our confusions and frustration, one thing is certain: none of us are alone. that's a bit of a good news. I suppose i'd describe the disturbing thoughts that have been going on in my head, but that'd really just be a repeat of what others have already mentioned. I have been seeing a counselor on campus at the university that I am attending. She's very sympathetic, and suggested the delay method whenever I feel the onset of anxiety relating to disturbing thoughts. She also tried to convince me that we ALL have these thoughts, just that some of us are unfortunate and get hung up on them more than others. We seem to lose the ability to dismiss them as trivial, they have a savage grip on our imaginations. But we are in this together. I want to say that I felt safer talking to my counselor, and now that there is a blog where I will not be percieved as a weirdo I feel even more safe. I think we all feel that lonesome b/c of the dissonance b/w our thoughts and who we believe ourselves to be, namely moral and upright. We can fight this together. I'd love to start discussions and beat the sh*t out of this annoying ailment. Cheers friends.

Hi Limpan

I first experienced this about three years ago when I was staying over at my (then) girlfriend's house. I just happened to notice that there was a wooden block in the kitchen with loads of knives in. From that point on, I kept thinking "my god, what if I stab somebody" - I had no intention of stabbing anybody or hurting anybody but once the thought was in my head it just kept going round and round and I couldn't sleep all night.

About a year ago I moved back to my parents' house and now I panic because I get fears about hurting them - again, I would never want to, I love my parents to bits.

Like you, I feel guilty for feeling like this and I get really anxious about it.

Chris x

PS. I was like you in that I hated the thought of taking drugs but recently I have been taking an SSRI called escitalopram. It has very few side effects and it does seem to be helping.

Hello Chris, and anyone who might read or gain benefit from my experience.

I could have replied to just about anyone and related to some degree, and I suppose your story struck a chord with me more directly. In fact, it could have been me that wrote your words it was so reminiscent to experiences I had.

I started having intrusive violent thoughts about my mother when I was 14 years old. Absolutely horrific, and they went on for years, only stopping when I got to party age and was distracted enough to no longer worry about them.

My mother died when I was sixteen, and for a long time afterwards I was racked with guilt at having thought I was somehow responsible because of the thoughts in my own head! Completely irrational and also completely in my head.

I then experienced them off and on throughout my twenties and thirties, and now worst of all, at 40. I still dont believe I would hurt anyone and believe my self to be a severe pacifist, I would always talk my way out of trouble than walk into it so I know my character construct was and is one of being an ok bloke. One of the things I cant understand is what comes first, the anxiety or the intrusive thoughts? I sometimes have the thoughts without the anxiety, and whilst this isn't comfortable, it is easier to deal with when my heart isn't banging out my chest. Alternatively the anxiety can be present and the thoughts might not. The combination of the two is what makes things most difficult to bare, and lately I think this is maturing into a new wave of anxiety altogether, one by where I too, like many other people on this site feel as if I am completely losing the plot and am going completely insane. Walking down the street and fearing jumping on a total stranger is just one thing I experience, whilst another might be that I am just going to start shouting complete rubbish at the top of my voice.

I think the reason I have started to experience this as worse at 40 is because of a couple of things. I am under stress at work and also studying part-time at University, and believe I am most vulnerable when stress is with me. I quit alcohol a year ago and I think this left the anxiety exposed. Basically I think I used booze to cover up a lifelong problem of anxiety, and since I quit, anxiety has resurfaced. Life also seems to have become dull since the booze went and I believe their are depressive symptoms as opposed to depression that is evident with me too.

Fact is, I'm still here and still never considered hurting anyone although the thoughts are frighteningly real still and hardly do anything to help me sleep. It is good for me to read stories such as yours and everyone elses, and for me, the easing of my anxiety comes only through sharing this with like minded others such as yourself. I chose to stay away from drugs as having previously used alcohol might just make it that little bit easier for me to use something else too.

I also find that exercise is incredibly useful as well as certain vitamins such as high potency zinc with copper, 30mg co-enzyme q10 tablets, and like I say, sharing the experience probably more beneficial than anything.

This is the first I have written at length and I wouldn't have done this probably as little as a year ago. You and others sharing the experience you have is of massive help to me so to you and everyone. Thanks, and believe in the core you, thats the bit that wont let you go mad and do anything, if this was something you were likely to do, you may have been too far gone to be able to have shared it in the first place.

Good luck,
Al

Hi Alan

Like you, I think the best way to put your mind at rest sometimes is to read accounts from other people to assure you that you're not some kind of freak.

Interestingly, I have started taking a drug called Escitalopram since I first posted this thread and, although they haven't completely disappeared, the frightening thoughts are occurring much less frequently.

I do think alcohol plays a part but I am much more likely to have these thoughts at times when I am drinking a lot.

Chris

Hi, I'm blogging in an optimistic way. Come and join the discussion. It'll makes you feel better, I know it. www.nopanicattack.blogspot.com (http://www.nopanicattack.blogspot.com)

Does anyone have had disturbing thought that come out of no where and give you a bobly sensation or indid a panic attack? Let me describe mine One evening out of the blue while with my partner I had a panic attck and all of a sudden I had the image of a knife and that I was going to lose control and hurt my partner and got scared. This of course was not a plan or a desire just a horrible thought of losing control. Since then when my anxiety is high I get flash back of that memory and I get a bodly sensation. And indiid had fear of being close to any potential object that may inflict harm. I suppose the bottom line is fear of losing control doing something out of the normal or going insane. I am in therapy and talked about this with therapist and Psychiatrist and seems to be normal to have fear of losing control or hurting loved ones. Therapist say is becaise iI have unexpressed childhood anger towards my father. Not sure about this!! However I only saw one post on this in the net and would like some reassurance from peole who suffer with anxiety and panic attacks rather that a book text answer. Please share info on how you may have dealt it it if you experienced it if it went away or whatever you may have to offer. Sharing makes as stronger. Never thought I will exerience something this disturbing. I am on 10mg of Citalopram for 2 months an my Panic attacks have subsides but my neomories of it is still there and sometimes this thoughts that enetered my mind out of nowhere still scares me. I feel guilty for having this thoughts which are so fast in entering the mind. I am pleased to see others had the same experience. lets keep in touch to feel less alone in this sort of madness lets call it this way even if its not.

Hi Greatdane

What you describe is exactly how I feel and I think the more guilty you feel about having these thoughts, the more often they happen. I think the key is to trust that your mind and your values would never let you carry out any violent thought and try to pay them less attention.

I take Escitalopram, which is a very similar drug to Citalopram and it has reduced my anxiety too. Luckily for me, it also seems to have reduced these frightening thoughts.

Chris

good to hear others suffer same exerience xxxxx

I can kind of relate to this, except I don't have thoughts of me hurting others, more like others getting hurt in bad accidents. For instance, when I'm lying in bed and thoughts just drift into my head, I will just think of my daughter, say, getting run over or breathing her last - it will just pop into my head and then I have to really push that thought out of my head :(
Until I read this thread, I hadn't actually associated this with my anxiety. And it's not just my daughter, others family members as well.
Also, If we're walking alongside a busy road, I do occasionally think "Well, what if I was to just step off the pavement?" or sometimes I think about cutting my arm when using a knife. So, in other words, I visualise harming myself at times, not others.
It's hard to explain but it's almost like I briefly visualise me doing something totally mad or out of character, and then I wonder if I have actually lost the plot! You see, I am usually thought of as quite sensible and responsible - maybe this has something to do with it? :confused:

I am glad to hear others have siilar or near enough exerience. Its very distressing so i am not glad you experience them i am glad i am not alone.

I am determine to get to the bottom of this. I am in therapy and see a very good cousellour every week. The movment is very slow and painful. Its hard to talk about this kind of subject with anyone ebven with professional who may think you are going insane or maybe try and hurt yourself or someone.

I had few days where i was feeling ok and had a taste of my self back. Went to see the doctor after a month and i told him i was feeling ok so it did not up my dose of Citalopram of 10mg which i was happy about it i am not a big fun of medications.
But hey the bloody anxiety and some of the memories of the disturbing thoughts came back just that evening as if to say hey Mr i am still here i am not finished with you.

Boom! What a very difficult condition to exerience all these body sensation, head, eyes, all over, + the disturbing thoughts+ racing thoughts.


Please guys lets support eachother because we only can understand whats going on. I would like to make some friends here to chat and share support.


GD


Please all be well!!!!

Hi Greatdane

I was out in the garden doing some work yesterday and the following thought occurred to me.

You know when you're watching a film and it is reaching it's climax and there's load stirring music and rain thrashing down and the hero is being chased to the edge of a cliff by a pack of snarling dogs - it's like that in my mind all the time. Even when things outside my head are perfectly tranquil.

Can anybody relate to this?

I agree that we are here to support each other.

All the best

Chris

Not sure but sounds like even though there is no external factor that can cause anxiety. You feel the anxioety and the sensations not Symptoms that comes with it..

Yes i can relate to that i get racing thoughts. i think of something like every1does then a second later i think why have i thougt that and the sensations starts. Sometimes i feel like i have flipped and i will never be back. But thats not the case at all its again fear of the worse. And this is my pattern i have discovered. I fear the worse possible things in life.
I rememebr as kid i ve had the fear of losing my mother. This moved on to others memeber of the family. Then to a partner and so on... Few actually happen i did lose my mother when i was young, and had a pertner that commited suicide.

Continued worrying constantly all my life until BOOM the high anxiety and panic attacks arrived.

So i know how i got here. The question is how do i go away from here?

Some of my thoughts disturb me give me anxiety and scare me. But all i can do is talk about it with like mind people and hopefully learn to find a coping meccanism.

Or pray that one day they will just go. Medication is maybe working at some level. But i know i do need to do some work my self. And i know that talking with others about same difficulties help. Is a learning process for me every day.

Maybe is what is set up for me. Maybe once i get through i will be stronger.


Lets keep suporting each others.


GD

Hi

I read an interview with a psychologist on this subject not long ago and he was saying that these thoughts come into our heads to deflect our thoughts from what we are really worried about.

He reckoned that the way to deal with them is to accept that they won't become reality and try to identify the underlying worry.

I don't know if this helps anybody.

Chris

Hi Chris can you give me the link to the site where you read the interview or magazine please. If not the name of the Psychologist.

Iknow that they will never happen nad i guess my underling issue maybe be fear of doing something that people will talk about it, to put it simply fear of been made ridicule. This is somethinhghappen when i was a kid i was made fun of in many occasion for my body appeareance i was very skinny. i guess is something to explore in therapy. thank you for the support.

GD x

Hi GD

I'm afraid I don't know where the interview came from (it was something my auntie printed out).

I don't have a scanner at the moment but if I get some time later I'll copy some of the text out and post it on here.

Chris

Hve a look at this website i stumble upon just last night.

http://hopextra.com

it talks about disturbing thoughts. I feel relived after reading that.

Look forward to see the study if possible.

GD

I can kind of relate to this, except I don't have thoughts of me hurting others, more like others getting hurt in bad accidents. For instance, when I'm lying in bed and thoughts just drift into my head, I will just think of my daughter, say, getting run over or breathing her last - it will just pop into my head and then I have to really push that thought out of my head :(
Until I read this thread, I hadn't actually associated this with my anxiety. And it's not just my daughter, others family members as well.
Also, If we're walking alongside a busy road, I do occasionally think "Well, what if I was to just step off the pavement?" or sometimes I think about cutting my arm when using a knife. So, in other words, I visualise harming myself at times, not others.
It's hard to explain but it's almost like I briefly visualise me doing something totally mad or out of character, and then I wonder if I have actually lost the plot! You see, I am usually thought of as quite sensible and responsible - maybe this has something to do with it? :confused:


Yes is part of your anxiety for sure. I am in therapy and I am beginning to slightly aderstand why this is happening to me. It seems part ofit is that i am afraid of violence due to have experience violence in my childhood. Part of it is doing something that is very shameful ie that peole will ridicule me. And part of it seems to be I dont know how to express my anger and my psyche is sending violent immages to allert me that must try and deal with that emotion which Ifind scary> I find this to be a major breack through in my anxiety. I actually feel much better for the understanding. But i am aware that I am at the beginning of pealing the layers.

I hope maybe this can give you an insight for you to explore rather that accept them.

Be well xx

OMG! I thought I was alone with this! I randomly have these thought of hurting myself, but I'm not suicidal. I told a friend and she got really worried about me, thinking I was suicidal. Since then I've just not talked about it again. I'm so relieved that I'm not alone.

lol lol lol lol lol lol

Hi! :)
im truly glad someone feels the same as me.. im currently experiencing severe anxiety and fear that i will hurt my boyfriend.. i love him more than anything in the world and im scrared im gonna loose control and do something horrendous.. i get these awful waves of anxiety which pass, but i feel extremely guilty for even thinking like this... i have been to the doctor who only wants to give me anti depressants, which i dont want to... i just need to realise in my mind that im not gonna hurt anyone, even tho im terrified of losing my mind.. i have suffered from anxiety and panic for about 10-11 years, but i go through different phases.. weather its my breathing, my heart or flying.. and im extremely fed up! :(

hi
im glad that someone feels the same i as do, i thought i was going mad and that there was something seriously wrong with me. Looking back i have always suffered with anxiety ive had different spells of it throughtout my life, i never knew what it was until recently. I was fine for months and months until about a week ago i started to get these very disturbing thoughts about hurting other people and this sounds freeky but sometimes i am convinced that i am actually gunna murder someone, the thoughts just seem so real. i feel like i am stuck sometimes, i feel i cant tell anyone i know cos they will think i am an absoulte freek. I am feel so fed up at the moment i dont know what to do. can any1 help??

Thought you might like to hear my thoughts about disturbing thoughts. Disturbing thoughts are very common in anxiety disorders and will go away once you start to address and reduce your anxiety levels.

Listen to my disturbing thoughts recording here:

http://www.thelindenmethod.co.uk/audio/disturbing-thoughts/

Charles

i just want sum adce about my panic attacks and how they are effecting me i have just noticed them recently and
i think i am going mad i want sum help and i ahve read the forums posted here and what the way ppl describe thir feelings i think thy match the way i feel some times and can plz anyone advise me or tell me how to deal with them

......its very diificult to out some tyms coz i feel scared and frigtend.....
plz help...anyone..


shazzzzz:) :confused:

Hi , I am new here- quite glad i found this site though. read and re read some posts and glad to find I am not the only one.

I have 2 young lovely children. i often have terrible thoughts of harming myself, all this baggadge of hurt boils up inside me and I cant seem to control any of it- I either cry werever and whenever ( regardless of who I hurt in doing so) Or I isolate myself away. I find myself grotesque, and have been known to down loads of laxayives at a time ( not to loose wieght ut to wake myself out of my own selfish anguish. I get angry a lot. people try to understand and help- but I feel that no one can. As I feel no one can help, I feel more guilty , disgusted and ashamed, then worse and so I spiral on down the slippery slope.

When I go to bed at night, I am absolutely exhausted but cannot switch off from my thoughts...then Ill spend half the night hoping that I will colapse during the day , just so to get the rest that I desperately want.

I tried alcohol for a while . As we all knoew this does not help. Now I dont drink and realise I cant control my feelings- cant cry about it either..I go quiet . By bedtime my hearts pounds faster than anyones on a great big roller coaster ride. i can now control my breating, but I cant sleep. Ive not been able to sleep for the best part of 2 years.

I thought my wounds would heal a little after not drinking, but now realise that the drink helped me to cry and to whail when i was anoyed, but now i can do little any of that.

Now Ive just accepted that I will be an insomniac forever and I am learning ways to cope with it, such as listening to relaxation cds, which dont seem to help slow the fast heart rates. Give up on them and then watch dvds until the very early hours of the morning.

I am unable to talk to people who are close to me about any of it. I dont waant to feel like this- i dont want to hurt them , but now my sister has explained that my dad is about to dissown me or something. Thats hurts and makes me worse. But in my head, I start this chant now...:Ill show him"' but that idea makes me more anxious. Does anyone else share these similar thoughts? I feel alone but better for finding this site. thank you for listening ( if you read this rant)

I get up , I dont do anything out of the ordinary!!! ( i get children of too school, ) I come home to this mess- hes still in his bed- I want to go back to my bed, feeling really low. I look for some suff on the computer- hes hid it somewhere. A bit like everything else about him. He hides everything from me, and then asks where his bloody socks are.

I have a very sore toe and wonder what the hell is going to happen to it ( Sorry for the French!)

Today, I feel so so so - dont want to be here!!! I hate my flat/ what Ive done with my life- what my children see, How they feel, how they have been brought up. I hate how none of it , none of it is fair on them I hate his appalling attitude. I hate how he never seems to have loved me, and that he thinks I should love him or something for just loving his children. I cant love this little boy anymore. Hes hurt me more than anyone could ever imagine.

I dont know why it consumes me, I dont know why I feel like this- I dont know if this is me, my illness. Ive always felt a bit different - abit odd form everyone else. I am scared that there is not that much wrong with him- that I have driven him to do it , with all my moaning, and my anxieties. The problem, the catch 22 is I cant cope in this enviroment, I m incapable, I hate it here- but I cant go home, as I cant deal with the change and her( My mum) being so fussy about ( well everything) Everything has to be perfect- well sorry I cant do perfection!!! I have no interest in things. Cant /couldnt even tidy up the shops stock room yesterday/totally disinterested. ( Size 8, size 10, size12 ( etc) ) Thats not going to change my life. And if thatt guy interrupts me again ( whilst I am talking to a customer I shall whip his flip flops off him and make him eat them!!! Hes so rude. One minute he will be really nice and the next interrupting me, or , or saying"Oh fior gods sake" ( Like I should know) - well despite his issues, its his problem I am not management I do not intend to stress myself out further and cover there backs . They have given me enough grief. For nstance"Do you drink on the job?" WTF- how hurt do I feel . I cant help it If overcompensate ( maybe too much 0 for my lows and try and giggle like a complete looney. Though this has to be the biggest insult to my intelligence!!!! Then this edgit who thinks hes the most clever thing since ( who knows what) Him ....then asks me "do you think so an so is pregnant?| Well I am thinking .....why dont you damn well ask her...I mean its not like you gave me and sensitivity a second thought when I was asked "If I was drinking on the job" ( Well folks, I am handing my notice in after xmas- sod them!!! I feel hurt by this and I have enough to contend with at home.

The only reason I am still here is as I love my children. They are very lovely!!!! Brill actualyy. But everyone else can just go jump off a very high cliff!!!! My dad never phones. My mum is like a 3 year old living in her own bubble ( though - my mum is probably better than anyone else) . My sister ( who I love) but hurts me by dishing out her life night after lonely miserable night( But as soon as her life gets better. theres no contact ...nothing!! Its just like when she lived with me, its just like that!!! You get drawn in and then ditched!!!)

I dont know if this is depression talking, or if this IS the way I see it. I need to go and do something with my life.

Sorry, I know it was one heck of a rant ( I could go on ...and shant be going into the real horrors!!!). Sorry I know my typoos are apalling but I am just too tired!!! Take care you folks, I am going back to bed!!! ( Is this just anxiety- or am I depressed?) My cpn never rang either- she also never keeps her word. fed up with unreliable people. People tha tpretend to help, but in actual fact dont care!!!! I am genuine- I dont want to hurt anyone. I am just me!!! I would never mess someone about like my cpn has me- ( unless, of course something has happened. if she ever phones me- which I dont hink she will- I will be giving her verbal earfuls down the blower. Its almost as though she has not listened to anything that I have ever said. In fact, Id rather she didnt know anything about me, I wish I had not told her anything. I wish I had not gone for help. I t was easier holding it inside that telling people!!!

Am I depressed- or is my CPN right this is just anxiety? Doesnt sound like anxiety to me. ( I am a bit anxious about my toe- which is painful, enjoying the pain though- its like I deserve to be in pain) . Anyway, enough...Maybe i will feel better after typing this- I dont know...I just feel like I need to write an "all about me book" but want others , onlookers who could have a open and honest opinion about the situation- can anyone help? I know I can help myself a little...but even whne i am out this situation, I dont think it will heal my wound!! Sorry folks ...

Does anyone else experience this:

!) Uptight, so uptight that you want the world to swallow you up.
2) Being so uptight and on edge makes me nervous.
3) The nerves make me clumsy
4) Then feel like an inadequate being...Grrrrrrrr!!!!!

Cant believe how difficult it was for me to open a shopping bag and stuff clothes in....felt so harassed. Everyone watching, and thinking they all think I am stupid. Then get so upset run off and cry...

All things that people have said , all the negative things pile up and I cant get shot of the words no matter how I try.This is after sucession of stress classes/relaxtion techniques ( etc) and still I am an on edge nervous wreck.

I can laugh about it right now- This will last for a split second.Then back there...that place where I take life so seriously.

Now I am worried about going out. i really just want my bed.

Is this apart of it- feeling uptight?

Okay- i think some of my last threads are probably not in the correct place-cant quite get my head around this forum just yet.

I just wanted to state when and how my disturbing thoughts started and if anyone else had similar experiences....

Okay, it was a Friday night and i dont know if I was a bit hormonal, but I was very grumpy. My partner started to do his usual-rant on about stuff.

I just felt as if everything was boiling over ( including my wants and aspirations) and i was not being heard by him. I had had a couple of glasses of wine....eventually , in a rage, as he criticised me...we had an argument. At this point I had been drinking from his favourite wine glass. All I could think was how I would love to smash the glass against the wall- just to get hiim to listen ( This behaviour is not typical of me- in fact is more the oppostie. The following weekend I did the very same thing- except this time acted on my thoughts. ( Smashed his glass) Oh there was hell to pay. I am too much of a coward to normally do these things.

Anyway, thoughts like these and wanting to harm myself have heightened after an extemsive period of time.

So last night I was watching a film and feeling really upset...Iwas planning my death, how I would do it, thatd itd be my control, how I would shout at my children so that it would not hut me not being around.

What scares me and reinforces my anxieties is my lack of self reliance ( in me) My lack of self control/awareness of what I could do to myself and others.

Today, I woke in a bad mood and pretty much decided to sleep it all away for fear that some complusin would take me over!!! These thoughts scare me, and I dont want to hurt me or my children. Do I make any sense to anyone?

Then I get even more angry and ashamed at me. ( There are people out there dying - who have done nothing wrong, who wish to live- and then there is foolish ungrateful me. Does anyone else share these fears as they make me feel incredibly lonely.

I also rember being told NOT to do something- its like I have to test it- ( why not?) Instead of listening to the "No dont" Grrrrr ( Please someone reply.

Ps, how can I change my usernme?