Wind ensemble

Hey all,

I'm a music major, and I just started my second round of university (a one-year Artist Diploma program in performance). Anyway, I'm playing in the wind ensemble here. The first rehearsal, it was really noisy and chaotic and overwhelming, because we didn't really know what we were doing yet, and we were all crammed into a small area in a windowless, fluorescent-lit room (yes, all sixty of us), and I almost had a panic attack. I was holding it in the whole time, until a random boy I didn't know asked me if I was okay, and I said yes because I didn't know what else to say, lol. Then, I told the ensemble prof about my problem, and she told me to talk to the performance studies department chair, so I did......he understood completely, because his wife has the same problem. I'm getting counselling now, and wind ensemble is getting better too, because it's less chaotic now, so I'm actually having fun with it. The only problem is, we're going on a trip to Ottawa in November, to play a concert there, and we're making a weekend of it. We'll be taking buses, and staying four to a room in a hotel. This sounds like a recipe for disaster for me, so if I can't get out of it, does anyone know any good coping strategies? I already know to isolate myself when I'm having a "warning," and I work out every day and do yoga once a week or so, but that isn't always enough.

Hi Mermaidgirl

First of all, well done for getting as far as you have (with the anxiety and your musical achievements).

Do you think it's wise to isolate yourself when you feel that you are going to panic? I know it's instinctive and I do it myself but very often if you can stay in the company of others it is much easier to distract your mind from the panic.

One significant thing I picked up from your post is that you said "I almost had a panic attack". Isn't this like saying "I'm almost pregnant"? You either have a panic attack or you don't and you didn't. Anxiety is based around anticipation of things that aren't likely to happen, and that was a prime example.

How well do you know the people you will be sharing a room with? If you know them well, it might be worth telling them in advance that you are prone to panic attacks - then you won't feel under any pressure to hide anything. You could also tell them that when you go quiet, it would be helpful for them to engage you in conversation (not about anxiety) and distract you. Remember, they can't see the fear that's in your head so they are still in touch with reality.

Hope this helps, good luck.

Chris x

Hi Mermaidgirl,

I agree with ragid badger. I would tell my friends or roommates about your anxiety. I don't like to be alone when I'm anxious but I also hate when people keep asking me if I am ok when I'm feeling overly panicked. Just tell then to be around without hovering, if you know what I mean.

And don't worry. I was born in Canada. Ottawa is a beautiful city. Not too busy if that is something that might make you feel anxious. There won't be any chaos.

I'm sure you'll do fine.

Greekgirl

I'm sorry........when I said I "almost had a panic attack," what I meant was, I had a close call, where I felt the anxiety setting in, and I felt the presence of all those strangers, and the overbearing ambient noise in the confined, windowless, harshly lit space pressing in on me and almost hurting me inside, but I was able to fight it off by breathing and keeping an internal monologue going; something along the lines of "I know this can't hurt me, I'm perfectly safe," and whatnot.

See, for me, panic attacks don't always happen suddenly. Sometimes, if a situation is really overwhelming, I'll panic right away, but what usually happens is, I have a (limited) reserve of tolerance for these kinds of situations built up, and when that gets depleted, I panic. Sometimes it happens quickly, sometimes it happens over time, but either way, now that I can predict it, I can fight it, and I often do. The only problem is, sometimes it can be almost as scary having a close call as it is when I have a full-blown panic attack, because when I have panic attacks, I know that I've already lost control of my senses, but with a close call, I'm constantly on edge and fighting for my sanity, and I never know exactly when I'm going to lose it.

Before I knew what caused my panic attacks, I felt like I could never predict when I was going to have one, but now that I know, I can deal with them, by isolating myself, or doing internal monologues, or singing to myself in my head or under my breath, or just simply planning ahead. For example, if I have to go shopping, I'll try to aim for an off-peak time, like a weekday afternoon, or failing that, a Saturday or Sunday around dinner time, and I don't participate in noisy/crowded type activities if I don't think I'll have the energy to handle it. For example, yesterday, I passed up a Take Back the Night rally for that exact reason. I'll still see the girls next week at my Vagina Monologues audition, and I still want to get involved with the Women's Issues Network in whatever ways I can, but I'm not going to set myself up to panic, because that's not fair to me OR them.

As for the people in my ensemble, no, I don't know them very well yet, not well enough to share a room with three other girls from the group, ESPECIALLY since most quad hotel rooms consist of two queen-size or king-size beds. By the time we go on the trip, I will have known the people in my ensemble for 2 1/2 months, which is NOT enough time to be comfortable with sharing a bed. I have a friend from undergrad who lives in Ottawa, and I might see if I can stay with her instead, but I haven't been able to reach her the past few days.

I don't want to tell my colleagues about my problem either, because the school I'm at now isn't like Bishop's, it's competitive. So, much as I may like and respect my fellow musicians, the bottom line is, we're in competition with each other--right now, we're competing for solos (I have a small one already), prime parts, awards, good grades, and approval from our profs, but later, when we're in the real world, we'll be competing for jobs. So, I don't want them to know about my weaknesses, because then they could sabotage me. Even if they didn't, well, I just barely met these people, and I'd really like to be treated normally, as much as possible. I guess what I'm saying is, I'd rather they got to know me as a person and a musician before knowing me as That Girl Who Has Panic Attacks. Does that make any sense at all? I want to be believed, and understood, but I don't want people acting weird, or treating me like I'm somehow less competent than the others, because I'm not. I'm a musician, just the same as everyone else in my program, and performing on stage doesn't bother me, because it's a rehearsed, scripted, predictable environment, and therefore, it's "safe" for me. Some people understand that, and others don't, but I'd rather not take my chances.