Time to get this off my chest!

Hi I'm just going to explode my thoughts into this post as that is just the way I feel right now.

Firstly I've had increasingly worsening patches of anxiety for the last 3 years, I'm right in the middle of my 2nd or 3rd bout right now and it is by far the worst I've ever had. For the last two weeks I've been feeling unbearably low and a brand new and horrendous symptom has reared its ugly head, I seem to have developed a fear of vomiting, an intense fear I can't begin to describe... now my anxiety (when I unintentionally draw my mental focus to my mouth) seems to dry my mouth out and thicken my saliva, I then feel like I'm going to gag and bam I have a panic attack, on top of this I discovered that having something dry in my mouth (like a cracker) allows me to distract myself long enough to not panic, this also occurs when I am feeling particularly anxious and have a drink, as soon as I drink anything during my more over imaginative moments I also feel like I need to eat something directly afterwards... however this means that I constantly carry something with me be it crisps or bread in my pocket and I feel stupid when people point out that I appear to be snacking on little bits of dry food throughout the day. The stupid thing is that now that has become a dependency that also provokes a panic attack if I realize that I don't have my emergency supply on me. During parts of the day where I am feeling better I try and leave my pockets empty and go as long as I can... now this new horrible symptom is on top of the usual symptoms of feeling depressed, no appetite or sometimes relentless appetite, feeling unreal or as if I'm losing my mind and of course that classic constant feeling of worry inside....

That aside I'd like to just explain why this is so unbearable to deal with... I have barely told anyone about my anxiety and those I have told, I have never revealed the true extent of it or they simply don't understand, I refuse to see a doctor or psychiatrist (My mother who by the way has completely recovered from 5 years of terrible anxiety, finally conquered it without medication as the meds made things much worse in the long term), I have no supportive partner to turn to (another side effect of my anxiety that prohibits me from being able to keep a consistent personality that doesn't send out the wrong message to the opposite sex, I know this just makes my anxiety worse as well) and I feel I need to talk to someone going through the same ordeal who is completely unknown to me just so I can hear someone else say they know exactly what it's like.... My major concern at the moment is the fact that I am working, and I have to work to get by there is no choice, however its becoming extremely hard to explain my behavior of late and I am calling in sick as much as possible, I've told one of my managers a brief bit about anxiety but once again people who don't suffer anxiety on the same level as this simply can't comprehend what it is like... And lastly I'm wondering if any other males with this disorder have found it harder keep their cool with their closest of male friends, I definitely find my friendships suffer a lot when im having a bad patch.

I feel Anxiety Disorders are the most irrational and ridiculous things, and I can't believe how much this is damaging my life.

Wow, that was a big nonsensical rant, if you have read this far then I am extremely grateful for your persistence... ahh I feel ever so slightly better already for just getting this stuff out there for once.

C x

Hi

I'd like to start by assuring you that a lot of people suffer a fear of vomiting (it's called emetophobia) and there are logical biological reactions to anxiety that cause you to feel sick and that inhibit the production of saliva.

Once you start to adopt safety behaviours like carrying round food, you establish a subcionscious link between this behaviour and being safe so you are bound to feel unsafe when you try to break these habits. Paradoxically, the safety behaviour will very often become so associated with the anxiety that it can bring anxiety to mind at times when there wouldn't otherwise have been any.

As far as your work is concerned, I've always found that it is better to be completely honest with people (the people you have to answer to). If it was a condition that people could see, you would quite happily tell the truth about it. It's true that people who have never been there find it very hard to understand but at least if you are honest, you have the protection of disability discrimination legislation.

Hope this helps

Chris

Hi Codenamewarrior

I can relate to a lot of what you've said in your post - I've had a fear of being sick in public for years. It tends to be worse when I'm on public transport and seeing as I need to travel for about 2 hours a day (ugh!) to get to and from work on buses and trains it can be pretty tough! I always try to carry water and mints with me, I know it's just a crutch but if it makes it easier for me to get to work every day then I think it's worth it.

I understand what you mean about keeping your anxiety to yourself...I used to be exactly the same but over the years I've opened up to more and more people (close family, friends and work colleagues) and I've found it's helped me loads. It's also amazing how many people know exactly what you're going through. A problem shared and all that...

I used to be dead set against receiving any sort of medical help but I eventually decided to try counselling a few years ago and found it really beneficial. It sometimes helps to talk to someone impartial, who knows what you're talking about and who won't judge you.

All the best

Squatbetty x