reubenremus
28-06-07, 07:23 PM
This is the first time I've used such a forum, but here goes;
I've suffered from panic attacks and anxiety for almost 10 years. I suppose in hindsight I have always suffered from it, but ever since the development of panic attacks a decade ago my life became impacted
Looking back I was going through a reasonably hard time, y'know, end of a relationship, trying to establish what to do with my life (I was just about to start my final year at uni), work out who I was, etc. I was at a crossroads and very depressed. Instead of dealing with these problems, they just overwhelmed me and i panicked. Ever since then, anxiety and panic attacks have had influence over me and my life.
At first, panic was just a momentary thing, like an unpleasant surge which quickly subsided. But the feelings of detachment from reality persisted until they became an almost permanent state. Within 3-4 months of the initial attack, I was having panics on a daily basis.
During this phase I really thought I was losing my mind. It sounds laughable now, but at the time i was semi-convinced that I had Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease (this was a hot topic in 1997).
Because these feelings were indescribable, I naturally told no-one. There I was, 20 years old, at University with the world at my feet and I literally felt the fabric of my existence unweaving before my eyes. No wonder I was drinking heavily. I found myself the life and soul during the nights and alone and terrified during the days. Suprisingly, I did manage to finish the course with a 2:2 in Applied Biology.
Around this time, I was starting to associate panic with certain triggers and began using avoidance techniques. Of course, this was classic behaviour and unfortunately for me, served to reinforce the anxiety and panic. In the space of 18 months, I was terrified of confined spaces without having an exit strategy, I couldn't use trains or buses, travelling outside of a safe zone brought me to my knees and I'd pretty much hemmed myself in to a restrictive lifestyle.
Along with panic, I was pre-occupied with morbid thoughts, thoughts of harming myself and thoughts of harming others. This type of thought patterning was almost unbreakable. The more abhorent a thought was, the more I had to try to think it through in order to neutralise it. This never worked however, and the list of unpleasant images continued to grow.
I would like to point out at this stage that I never acted out any of these thoughts, and am positive i never will. I think it's important to add these details since others amongst you may have gone through the same thing.
Funnily enough, even those these things were going on, I was still having flashes of optimism, as if though everything would be alright somehow. They weren't very often, but they were there from time to time. Interestingly, I was even able to carry out normal life to a degree. It seems that what I had to face on a daily basis, I eventually became desensitised to and I became functional. For example, I didn't like it, but I could get on a bus daily without screaming or pulling my hair out
To cut a long story short, the panics continued until I had a huge almost uncontrollable attack. This was witnessed by my parents who pretty much marched me down to the Drs the following day. I was prescribed seroxat (paroxetine) 20 mg, and given five weeks off work. For the first week, I just lay in bed concentrating on every breath I took and occasionally panicking. I'd gone past the point of really trying to think anymore. As far as I was concerned this was how life was going to be from there on in.
Of course it wasn't the end of life. I've never really recovered but I learnt how to function again without panicking. The pills stopped the panics reaching a crescendo and I eventually had enough faith to realise I wouldn't go mad during a daily task.
Today I still take seroxat 20 mg, and I am relatively succesful in my life and career. I don't panic and people think I'm in control of my destiny (and to a certain degree, they're right). However, I have never fully overcome panic attacks. They still creep up on me and anything outside of a daily routine can have a cataclysmic effect.
Sometimes I forget that i've ever had anxiety or depression, that's how good I can sometimes feel. However, when I'm overwhelmed, I'm overwhelmed. I get it about 3 times a year I'd say. But I would describe myself as a survivor.
That's my story anyway,
let me know what you think or just say hi. I've never really talked to anyone with similar problems,
cheers,
Reuben Remus
I've suffered from panic attacks and anxiety for almost 10 years. I suppose in hindsight I have always suffered from it, but ever since the development of panic attacks a decade ago my life became impacted
Looking back I was going through a reasonably hard time, y'know, end of a relationship, trying to establish what to do with my life (I was just about to start my final year at uni), work out who I was, etc. I was at a crossroads and very depressed. Instead of dealing with these problems, they just overwhelmed me and i panicked. Ever since then, anxiety and panic attacks have had influence over me and my life.
At first, panic was just a momentary thing, like an unpleasant surge which quickly subsided. But the feelings of detachment from reality persisted until they became an almost permanent state. Within 3-4 months of the initial attack, I was having panics on a daily basis.
During this phase I really thought I was losing my mind. It sounds laughable now, but at the time i was semi-convinced that I had Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease (this was a hot topic in 1997).
Because these feelings were indescribable, I naturally told no-one. There I was, 20 years old, at University with the world at my feet and I literally felt the fabric of my existence unweaving before my eyes. No wonder I was drinking heavily. I found myself the life and soul during the nights and alone and terrified during the days. Suprisingly, I did manage to finish the course with a 2:2 in Applied Biology.
Around this time, I was starting to associate panic with certain triggers and began using avoidance techniques. Of course, this was classic behaviour and unfortunately for me, served to reinforce the anxiety and panic. In the space of 18 months, I was terrified of confined spaces without having an exit strategy, I couldn't use trains or buses, travelling outside of a safe zone brought me to my knees and I'd pretty much hemmed myself in to a restrictive lifestyle.
Along with panic, I was pre-occupied with morbid thoughts, thoughts of harming myself and thoughts of harming others. This type of thought patterning was almost unbreakable. The more abhorent a thought was, the more I had to try to think it through in order to neutralise it. This never worked however, and the list of unpleasant images continued to grow.
I would like to point out at this stage that I never acted out any of these thoughts, and am positive i never will. I think it's important to add these details since others amongst you may have gone through the same thing.
Funnily enough, even those these things were going on, I was still having flashes of optimism, as if though everything would be alright somehow. They weren't very often, but they were there from time to time. Interestingly, I was even able to carry out normal life to a degree. It seems that what I had to face on a daily basis, I eventually became desensitised to and I became functional. For example, I didn't like it, but I could get on a bus daily without screaming or pulling my hair out
To cut a long story short, the panics continued until I had a huge almost uncontrollable attack. This was witnessed by my parents who pretty much marched me down to the Drs the following day. I was prescribed seroxat (paroxetine) 20 mg, and given five weeks off work. For the first week, I just lay in bed concentrating on every breath I took and occasionally panicking. I'd gone past the point of really trying to think anymore. As far as I was concerned this was how life was going to be from there on in.
Of course it wasn't the end of life. I've never really recovered but I learnt how to function again without panicking. The pills stopped the panics reaching a crescendo and I eventually had enough faith to realise I wouldn't go mad during a daily task.
Today I still take seroxat 20 mg, and I am relatively succesful in my life and career. I don't panic and people think I'm in control of my destiny (and to a certain degree, they're right). However, I have never fully overcome panic attacks. They still creep up on me and anything outside of a daily routine can have a cataclysmic effect.
Sometimes I forget that i've ever had anxiety or depression, that's how good I can sometimes feel. However, when I'm overwhelmed, I'm overwhelmed. I get it about 3 times a year I'd say. But I would describe myself as a survivor.
That's my story anyway,
let me know what you think or just say hi. I've never really talked to anyone with similar problems,
cheers,
Reuben Remus
